A timeline of Thank Yous:

Thank you to the daycare teacher who was bit by a two-year-old Lucy. This prompted a parent teacher meeting and sticker charts, in her cubby, to help her behavior, it didn’t work, so we sought other means of intervention, early.

Thank you to the pediatrician who refused to treat or examine Lucy for any mental health issues because she was “too young” "just a typical two-year-old" "will grow out of it". Thank you for handing me a list of child therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist who also refused to meet with a child as young as Lucy (she was three at the time). We figured it out on our own.

Thank you to the first play therapist, who called me back, who was more than happy to meet with my little three year old. Who got down on the floor and played in the sand with her, who would get out the toy dinosaurs every time, who would ask Lucy about her drawings on the white board. Thank you for working with her on her separation anxiety and telling me “Lucy needs to be in a more structured environment for her education, the current one is not a good fit for her”.

Thank you to the administrative assistant at the early childhood center who fueled my calls and concerns once I tried to register Lucy far after the deadline. Thank you for putting us on the wait-list and accepting all my paperwork late. Thank you for suggesting we look at the other building because there was less of a wait. Thank you for being patient with me when I cried when you called to tell me she had finally been accepted to the program.

Thank you to Mrs. Lemkemann, there are not enough words in the English language to explain how much this teacher has done for Lucy, our family, and our sanity. She is truly in the right profession to be working with the young people of this world. She has provided so many interventions and supports for Lucy. She loves Lucy with all her heart and we love Mrs. Lemkemann with all of ours. Thank you for taking me seriously when I asked about getting Lucy on and IEP, thank you for being so straight-forward with us about her needs. Thank you for hugging Lucy, thank you for demanding more from Lucy, thank you for working with her, teaching her to know her body and mind better, thank you for being the most amazing asset for Lucy to date.

Thank you to Mrs. Taylor for being Lucy’s nap buddy; providing stories and back rubs to calm her down. Thank you for doing joint compressions for her while she tried so hard to connect her mind and body and calm herself. Thank you for your gentle approach with Lucy, your soft voice, and kind heart.

Thank you to all the occupational therapist who worked with me and Lucy to teach us techniques so Lucy could regulate herself and restore her mind and body. Thank you for pushing her on the swings and piling pillows on top of her, and teaching her to blow bubbles with her straw.

Thank you to the strangers on the street who tries to talk to Lucy and gets her common grunt, run and hide, or screaming response. You let me know Lucy needs to be treated a little more gentle than the typical child, you let me know Lucy needs to whole-heartedly know someone before she will trust you, you let me know Lucy still needs me because I’m her mom and I know how to handle her grunts and scream.

Thank you to the friends and family members who are respectful of Lucy’s differences. Thank you for listening to us and understanding when we say things like “please don’t talk or look at her right now”. Thank you for not taking it personally and just knowing it’s who Lucy is.

Thank you to the people who said we need to discipline and spank her more, we tried that, it didn’t work.

Thank you to the online mom’s group who suggested a child psychiatrist when we were on our last straw with interventions and therapies and needed to discuss medication.

Thank you to Dr. Park, child psychiatrist, for listening to me, being knowledgeable of a young child’s mental health needs. Thank you for understanding I had come to you seeking medication for Lucy as a last ditch effort to help her. Thank you for your philosophy of “little medical intervention as possible, so these young people can still thrive”. Thank you for suggesting behavioral therapy along with medication.

Thank you to Dr. Hampton, behavioral psychologist, for sticking with us even though Lucy was horrid, rude, and hateful to you at our first three visits. Thank you for understanding how to build trust with someone like Lucy. Thank you for reassuring me I was doing a good job as a mom.

Thank you Lucy. 

Photo by SunRae Photography LLC

Back to Blogging

I've toyed with the idea of blogging again since we've had several life events happen in the last FIVE years. So I thought why not.
I was going to turn the blog into something about my struggles with Lucy, but after revisiting the site I realized I wanted to keep it about it's original intent, becoming a family. Lucy will play a role in this blog, just as will Cyrus and Stella as I find writing and "getting my feelings out there" rather therapeutic. There will be a lot about Lucy I'm sure, because I need more "therapeutic outlets" for her, but I am a mommy to two other babies and a wife so I need to leave the option open.
Bare with me as I find my footing again, and thank you for the support.

What's in a Name?

Lucy:

When we first told Stella there was a baby in my belly I don’t remember her initial reaction, and I think it’s because it took weeks and months for her to really start to communicate her understanding of the situation (trust me, I still have a hard time understanding such a miracle myself). Normal conversations would be about baby sister or brother and what would you name it. For a while there Stella wanted to call the baby Pink, I relate this name choice to more of the fact that she wanted a baby sister.

Then one day, she just started calling the baby in my belly, baby Lulu. We don’t know where it came from, but it stuck. So much so the teachers at her daycare would ask about baby Lulu.

In the mean time, Michael and I were still debating names… and one day it hit us, let’s check out the Lu sections of the baby name books, Stella might be on to something. For a girl the cute, classic, and familiar name of Lucy caught our attention. (I’m not one for shortening names, so it’s just Lucy, not Lucille). Plus, we had the opposite problem with the name Lucy that most people do, everyone we knew named Lucy we loved/love! So we didn’t have to turn or noses up at the idea.

The boy name we went back and forth with, remember we didn’t find out the gender with this one.    At first it was Lewis (Lu sound at least). Then Michael came in one day from work and announced “I don’t like Lewis, I just don’t want to do it”. So I asked what he had in mind and he said “Luke”, which still stuck with the Lu theme. I was on board.

Basically Stella named her baby sibling and we were still able to call it baby Lulu the whole time. It was a sweet gesture I felt both of them would really appreciate in later years.

Ramona:

Stella’s middle name is Marie, after Michael’s grandma. A woman who was very dear and near to his heart, not to mention Stella Marie just flows so well. So we went with it.

The idea of a new baby brought on some fun thoughts for names, and I always felt the middle name is a perfect space to pay tribute to a family member or friend.

My grandmother’s name is Ramona. She was a strong, independent woman who also had a lot of baggage and undo rest to her nature. I contemplated naming this one Ramona as a first name. I would get lots of praises from people when I would mention it, however I would get nervous about the self-fulfilling prophecy or expectation that might come with it as a first name namesake, and honestly I couldn’t make myself ever comfortable with it as a first name. So I put it on my middle name list. I hope my grandmother appreciates the decision we made, I can hear her say either way, but in my heart she was a wonderful lady and I can’t think of a better way to show my love for her.

A Birth Story (Baby Sister)

It was a Friday, half day at school, which means we have kids half the day and the other half is spent in professional development meetings. My principle had scheduled my maternity sub to come in and help me out in the morning and for me to meet with her to organize things (my morning was club photos for yearbook so the extra sub help was great).  We had tried to meet up the day before as well, but it was the umpteenth snow day of the semester, so needless to say I was very far behind in my planning for the semester.

I was running around all morning getting group pictures in and making sure my sub had things handled. Finally I had a break and was able to sit down with her and talk to her about the semester. I felt very rushed, almost like I needed to get everything in one day, like I knew something was up…

About 11:30 I noticed a wetness that didn’t seem normal, but it also wasn’t your typical “water breaking gush” you hear about. So in between meeting with my sub and beginning the afternoon meetings I called my doctor to ask about it. They wanted me to come in. Now you see I have a track record of being a little over cautious, so I didn’t want to jump into a hospital bed two weeks early because of a little wetness.

I called my mom to tell her what was up, she said it was good timing to be a Friday and that she would head up either way. She also told me to go to the hospital because at this time, its better safe than sorry, thankfully we now had a plan for Stella at least. During my webinar meeting I tried 20 some odd times to get a hold of Michael and finally got him. He also told me I should go, so we made a plan that I would finish out my day at school, 2:30pm, then we would meet at home.

At 2:30 we met at the house, thankfully my bag was packed, so I grabbed some bathroom essentials, just in case and Michael packed his bag. We showed up to the hospital and they got me checked in. The nurses took my vitals and checked me for amniotic fluid. They didn’t see anything, but the doctor came in and took a sample and explained to me if we see ferning on the screen then this is amniotic fluid, and if they didn’t they would do an ultra sounds to see what was going on.

The doctor walked back in about 10mins later and said “guess what I saw?” Honestly, I thought she was going to say nothing, but she said “ferning!”  I even told her “I didn’t think you were going to say that” she then replied “I didn’t either.” So they got me started on a pit drip because I wasn’t having contractions and having fluid leak for too long can lead to infection.

It was about 9:00pm I started getting regular contractions, my pit was up to about 18 (20 is the highest it goes) I was getting really excited and had to pee about every hour as well. Went to the bathroom and my contractions stopped… nothing. So my nurse upped the pit to 20 and I fell asleep. About 1:00am I woke up with contractions and Michael helped me breath through them for an hour or so when I asked the nurse to check me. I had been a “stretchy two” for the last month and I told her “I hope I’m not still a stretchy two” she checked me and told me what I didn’t want to hear “stretchy two”.

Another good hour of contractions went by and they were getting more and more intense, I asked to be checked again,  this time I was at a 3-4 and she asked me if I wanted an epidural, I asked if it was too early and she told me no, not if I felt like I needed it.

About 3:30am the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural. Now I don’t divulge this information to many people because it makes me seem like such a sissy, but I’m a fainter. IV’s make me faint, getting my blood drawn by a tech who doesn’t know how to find a vein makes me faint, and I think it goes without saying a large needle in my spine will make me faint. So I set up on the side of the bed, held the pillow and the nurse while I breathed in between contractions and the needle. I fainted just after he gave it to me and they laid me down on my right side, doing this must have turned the medical tubing because I could still feel everything on my left side and numb on the right side. PAINFUL!

The nurse turned off my pit because I was in a regular pattern now. I was in so much pain, vomiting, the other stuff, trying to breath, I could feel the pit contractions on my left side and it was crazy. About 4:45am the nurse checked me again and I was a 6. Thankfully the doctor came in and tried to adjust the tubing, but it didn’t work. About 45mins more of left-side only contractions and finally I rang the nurse and told her I needed to go. She checked me and I was complete. It was one of those scenes, “get the doctor! She’s complete! Get the doctor!” almost like they weren’t expecting me to go from a 6-10 in an hour or two.

Finally the anesthesiologist came back in and said this is the last thing I can do for you, it will make you feel really heavy. I was prepped and ready to go, feeling loopy, and we were just waiting on the doctor. They asked me to do a couple practice pushes and said I looked great. The doctor showed up a little after 6:00am and we started pushing. I remember the doctor stepped out to check on another patient and returned and put on her gown and mask. I pushed a few more times and on the last push I saw my doctor watching the monitor very closely. She asked the nurse if it was “low” I didn’t know what she meant at the time, but later she told me the baby's heart rate dropped with the last contraction, which meant the cord was around babies neck. There was a quick snip, because baby needed to come out on this push. Once the head was out the doctor clamped the cord and cut it from around baby’s neck… and won’t you believe it, Michael got hit in the face AGAIN with cord blood (exact same thing with Stella). One more push, “it’s a girl!”

She was a little blue at first because of the cord, but nothing to serious and nothing a few good pats on the back couldn’t take care of! Apgar at 1 min was 8! Go baby girl! I remember getting teary eyed calling her my baby girl, thinking I don’t have just a Stella anymore. A lot of my concern was and still is with Stella, however big sister is handling the situation with grace, poise, and the most caring and loving hands; falling in love with both of my babies over and over again.

Welcome to the world Lucy Ramona! 

A Summer of Sorry

I’m sure there are so many worries a first-time-second-time mom has: how will I make enough love for both my babies, how will I find the time, the energy, is this the right time to make our family bigger, do we need to have more babies . . . luckily I’ve been able to answer most of these with an open mind, but there are obvious unforeseen situations that have arose.

As I sit here sobbing as my third summer with one of the most amazing people I know draws to an end, I’m sad to say they aren’t happy tears. This summer doesn’t end with an “I’m so happy we had an amazing time” post, but rather a regretfully heavy heart; and all I can say is, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we’ve memorized the Disney Junior TV schedule because we’ve watched way too much TV.

I’m sorry lunches sometime consisted of popcorn, cheese sticks, and bananas.

I’m sorry mommy often has to lie down, can’t play as long, gets headaches, and feels sick a lot.

I’m sorry the most common phrase I felt you used this summer is “mommy, I make it feel better”.

I’m sorry I spent more money on items to occupy you with rather than spend time to make memories with you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay out in the heat very long and it would cut our park trips shorter than you wanted.

I’m sorry I didn’t want to jump in the bounce house with you, and preferred to sit there and watch.

I’m sorry we went to the pool a whopping one time.

I’m sorry I looked forward to time away from my family, sometimes, more than time with my family.

I’m sorry I would take extra long showers at the gym because I knew you would have more fun with the daycare ladies than with me.

I’m sorry I lost patient with you over things a mommy shouldn’t lose patient with a two and a half year old.

But I also want to thank you for still hugging and snuggling with me every morning, for asking to take naps in mommy's bed, for stopping in mid play and asking if you could hug me, for telling me you love me whenever it came to you, for understanding, and for being my little baby girl. You are going to be an amazing big sister; you are kind, and thoughtful, creative, and fun. I can’t wait to see you in your new role. I love you. Enjoy your school year with your friends. I’ll make the summer up to you soon. 

Angry Momma (pissed off, more like it)

Ok, so I know I haven't blogged in almost over a year... but I'm pissed off and have to get a few things off my chest before I do anything rash.
To start off, I'm pissed, momma pissed. Like -- you messed with my baby, questioning my parenting tactics  put other kids before my kids, pissed me off, momma pissed.
Call me crazy, but my kid uses a binki, nook, paci, etc. She needs it to sooth herself, here's the really crazy part: I'M OK WITH IT. For goodness sakes, I know five-year-olds who still suck their thumbs (what's the effing difference??).
Scene One: Stella started back to the same daycare in August, after our summer break. I noticed quite a bit of hesitation on her part about going back to daycare after a few weeks or so. Then I over heard one of the directors state, how they "rip, snatch, yank that thing out of her mouth". Light-bulb moment - I asked the director to stop doing this, and Stella anxiety subsided ten-fold.
Scene Two - A few months ago I noticed Stella's usual 2-3 hour nap had turned into 20, 35, 10 minutes and the one time of NO NAP that read across her daily report. I asked what was going on and low and behold, they weren't letting her have her binki during nap time anymore. We had fallen into a good routine of her not needing it during the day, and then taking it at nap time... I asked they pick up the schedule again. Crisis averted the second time and we were back to normal.
Scene Three - Today I walk in to pick her up. There is a lengthy note on her daily report as to how the other kids are starting to get jealous of Stella having her binki, and they are asking I no longer give it to her at school. I asked if she was sleeping without it, "No, she won't sleep without it"....
Now, I ask you this, are they making sure the kids who are sucking their thumbs are refraining for the children whose parents don't want their kids to suck their thumbs? Doubtful! Needless to say Stella is back to sleeping 35 minutes a day because they are refusing to give her the binki. I don't see the point. I don't know what it's like to manage 2yo (I work with 15+) but I don't see why my child has to forego, if it benifits her. She obviously needs naps, long naps, and she's not getting them.

I talked to Michael and my mom, both thinks we should try it for a while, but if she doesn't start taking efficient naps, she gets the binki. (I'll keep this updated)
I just don't understand people's hangups with binkis.... little known fact, I had mine until I was FOUR!

Magical Moon

To my baby girl,

You learned what the moon was tonight. You, your daddy, and I were walking around after dinner and the moon was big enough to still be seen in the daylight. I saw you studying it for awhile and then you pointed up to it looked at me and asked “ball?” I smiled at your curiosity and simply said “no, baby girl, moon”. You looked at it a little while, realizing before you even asked if it was a ball, it was something different, then lowered your voice and still keeping your eyes up at the moon said “mooooon”. We were at a turn on the side walk and as the stroller turned the moon moved out of sight, I watch as you watch it until it was behind the house.

I texted your Mahma about my experience and being the eloquent author she is was able to capture the moment in one word, “Magical”.

I thought about this magical moment and realized not many people can recall learning about something so far from their reality, so distant in their imagination like the moon. So I thought I would write you a letter to let you know when you officially noticed the moon. I hope this magical moment stays with you. I often call your Mahma, or your Uncle Skyler, and have your daddy drive around in circles because the moon looks extra special some nights.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the magic in my life!

With all my love,

Momma